


The things we lost in the fire

by Raven_hoodoo



Series: McReyes Week 17 [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 10:43:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12792882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_hoodoo/pseuds/Raven_hoodoo
Summary: For McReyes week 17Home is people. Not a place. And people change.





	The things we lost in the fire

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to do McReyes week at the start of this week and am thus constantly playing catch up. So same warnings for prose and messy editing. Also I combined desolate and new into one prompt which made this a little more depressing than intended. So...sorry about that I guess?

The big changes - the arm, Reyes’ everything, they’re hard to miss. Reyes remembers being in the midst of feeding when suddenly he was thrown across the battlefield. Remembers the shock and anger at being disturbed. Remembers a tiny voice wondering what happened to Jesse. Remembers a louder voice screaming KILL. 

 

Mccree remembers the first time he saw Reaper. Remembers the dual shotguns he’d seen his boss destroy armies with. Remembers the slight wisps he’d seen coming off his boss before Zurich. Remembers the feelings of horror that this is what had become of his lover. Remembers the feelings of outrage that nobody had thought to tell him that Gabriel was alive. His Gabriel although in leaving he had probably lost the right to call him that. These changes were hard to miss. It is only when coming back together, when trying to piece back together the remnants of a relationship long past - that’s when the little things come to mind. Reaching for what was once an anchor and coming back with only ash. 

 

**Reaper**

 

_ He doesn't feel like home anymore.  _

 

It is the way Mccree flinches when somebody calls him Jesse. The way he laughs it off but the dark look in his eyes remains. Reyes calls him Jesse only once. He doesn’t make the same mistake again. It is the way he introduces himself as Mccree and only refers to others by their last name. The way he keeps his distance from those in Overwatch. Laughs in all the right places but with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. Reyes doesn’t feel the satisfaction he thought he would when Ana calls out to Jesse one day and Mccree flinches away. It should hurt less that he isn’t the only one, that it is nothing personal. Instead his heart clenches as Mccree walks away from the woman he once loved like second mother. There is no going back for any of them. 

 

It is the way Mccree fights, like he’s on his own, like there is no backup coming. It is the caution and the ruthlessness evident in every move he makes on the battlefield. Reyes once would have been so happy to see Mccree protecting himself. Anything to keep him safe. Instead pride is offset by a sense of loss. He used to fight at Mccree’s side, protect his six. They used to be a team. It is the surprise when Reyes takes out the man behind him, when Reyes offers a hand. It is his own resignation when Mccree rejects the hand to get up on his own. 

 

It is the way he leaves Overwatch suddenly to return to bounty hunting. It is the way he never takes the bounties alive, the quiet calculation in the way he arranges for the fighting to get up close and personal. It is the way he smiles at Reyes those times, the way he nods towards the enemy as if to say 'go on.' Jesse Mccree once was a man who wanted justice. Who wanted to be a better man, to do good things in this world. A selfish part of him hopes the change was gradual, that it happened over the time they were apart. The alternative hurts too much. 

 

It is the cold touch at night when in the midst of a nightmare. The clinical way Mccree stays at range when awakening him. The flinch when Reyes comes awake and reaches for him. “Are you afraid of me?” Reyes wants to ask. Doesn’t. The arm was the first thing he noticed about this Mccree, it is fitting that the arm is the only touch he recognises anymore. He wants to reach out outside of nightmares, wants to feel the warmth of Mccree under his fingers. There are so many things he wants that he will not ask for, will not take. He awakes one night from a dream, a nightmare, where Mccree dissolves to ash under his fingertips. He is glad for the cold metal that awakens him that night. Perhaps it is not only Mccree who is afraid. 

 

It is in the beer bottles every night, the whiskey hidden throughout the house. Reyes wants to ask, wants to say 'You never drank this much before.' He holds his silence. Things between them are too tentative now. He holds his silence when Mccree makes another trip to the liquor store. Holds his silence as Mccree falls asleep in the other room. He wants to wake him, wants to reach out but instead just watches instead. A silent useless guardian. He continues his watch to the early hours of the morning standing in silent judgement as a hungover and unkempt Mccree moves from the chair to the bed. Mccree never used to drink this much. Never used to drink much at all. He thinks to himself, 'I was killing you even when I was dead.'

 

It is the long pause when Reyes says “Maybe you should go back to Overwatch.” They’ve been attacked several times now by Talon agents after Reaper. Mccree looks haggard, for all his talents he is still a man in need of sleep and they’ve been bouncing between safe houses for some time now. It’s the logical choice. Reyes doesn’t need to sleep much, can travel faster alone. Mccree...Mccree would be safer, would be happier amongst friends. Mccree’s lips move but no sound comes out. Reyes tries not to lean in, tries not to claw the table he’s holding. He won’t influence Mccree’s choice, Mccree deserves to be free. Has always deserved to be free. 

 

Mccree finally says, “We can’t” and Reyes doesn’t know what that means. Did Mccree cut ties, can he not go back anymore?  Did Mccree mishear him, did he think Reyes wanted to go back too? 

 

“I didn’t say-” 

 

“I know what you said Gabriel. But we can’t. And I’m not going back alone.” 

 

There is a moment where Reyes thinks to ask. Is it obligation? Mccree isn’t Jesse and he doesn’t owe Reaper anything anyway. Never really did. It's only a moment until Mccree reaches for him, reaches with both hands. Where his face is open for once, the pure emotion almost contradictory to the man he is now. It is recognising the man he’s with as the man he was.  

 

 

**Mccree**

 

_ He doesn't feel like home anymore  _

 

It is the way he defers to others. Gabriel Reyes was a man of opinion, a brilliant tactician and strategist. It seems wrong to see him sit back in the middle of a meeting, to take his orders without questioning. Mccree wonders if it's something Talon did to him, did they make him more compliant, more eager to please? His stomach twists at the thought, the nausea a constant in meetings where Gabriel could help. Would help. He tries to say the right things, the things he thinks Gabe would have wanted to say. Sometimes when he’s angry he says the opposite. 'Correct me just once,' he thinks. Mccree has long had Gabe’s ghost following him. He didn’t think it would hurt so much to have the real thing. And yet, sometimes he finds himself holding his breath, waiting for the others to acknowledge his ghost. Just to make sure they can see him too. 

 

It is the way Reyes doesn’t eat. Mccree almost doesn’t realise until too late, another black spot on a record coated in black. He doesn’t notice until they have a run of missions with no casualties, until he walks in on his wraith trying to pull himself back together and failing. It is the way he calls out to Gabe in shock but the wraith doesn’t seem to hear him. He goes to reach out then thinks better off it. Calls Angela instead. In the aftermath he finds himself yelling, “Why didn't you tell me, did you want to die???” It is the way Reaper doesn’t answer that leaves Mccree cursing. Anger is easier than acknowledging the ache in his heart. 

 

It is the quiet acceptance as they leave Overwatch. Until Angie works out a work around for Reyes to feed it is the smart choice. Overwatch is a peacekeeping organisation aimed at minimal casualties. Mccree is a bounty hunter with no problem emphasizing the dead in dead or alive. It was the right decision but he’d still expected Reyes to question it, to make some sort of comment. He’d give anything for Reyes to speak to him like he used to. 

 

It is the poorly hidden disgust at the real food Mccree occasionally tries to get him to eat. It is the real hunger Mccree sees in his eyes when they're hunting a target. It is the pretense he's fully human and the casual sadism that occurs when the hunger strips the pretense away. It is the fear in his eyes once sated, the knowledge he's gone too far and the hope Mccree will pretend he hasn't.  Mccree allows the pretense, he doubts he could deny anything Gabe wanted of him. Besides if they pretend enough it might make it so.

 

It is the nightmares the nights where Reyes tries to sleep. Gabe had nightmares once, they all had but nothing like this. It is the way his form twists in his sleep, the way his form partially dissolves leaving nanites in the air like a locust swarm ready to strike. It is the way Gabe cries out in his sleep and Mccree can’t go to him, can’t hold him like he once would. It is the way the cries become hoarse then disappear as vocal cords are swept into the swarm. 

 

It is the silence instead of confrontation. Mccree knows Reyes disapproves of his drinking, his tendency to go it alone. He knows and he waits for his commander to resurface. For something to prove he’s still in there. He waits and is left waiting. 'What are you afraid of?' he wants to ask. 'Why won’t you talk to me?' he fears to say. When the thoughts get too much he drinks more. 'Please be Gabe again,' he doesn’t think. He wouldn’t want his old commander to see what he’s become. 

 

It is the quiet hesitance when Reyes says “Maybe you should go back to Overwatch.” Itvis the way he says it, like they aren't a team, like Mccree would give him up so easily. Mccree wants to scream. Wants to scream to the high heavens. Because Winston can't condone the way they keep Reyes alive. Because Talon is trying to reclaim their project. Because Mccree left once and now Gabriel is only waiting for it to happen again. Mccree says “We can’t,” and it feels inadequate, feels like it's never enough. He’s too tired for this conversation, too tired from the nights on the run, the months of trying to stop the blast radius from his long standing self-destruction from hitting Reyes when he’s trying to recover from his own. 

 

“I didn’t say-” 

 

“I know what you said Gabriel. But we can’t. And I’m not going back alone.” He hates the hesitation in Reyes body language, clear despite the owl mask he still never removes. He wants to say, ‘I’ll never leave you,’ but it feels too much like a sick joke since he did before. So instead he reaches for his ghost, like he hasn't dared to before. Drops his guards and tries to let everything he can’t say show. 

 

It is the way he crumples into Mccree’s touch. Gabe never could bring himself to do so, even when he knew he was being stupidly self-destructive. Never could bring himself to let Mccree help him. It’s the moment where Mccree thinks, ‘Maybe. Maybe things will get better.’ 

 

**Coming home**

 

It is the moment when Reyes takes his mask off. It is the moment Mccree doesn’t flinch away. It is the time taken to learn to call each other by their first names again. The time where Mccree learns to stop flinching at being called “Jesse” and Reyes adjusts to thinking of himself as Gabriel again.  

 

It is when Jesse reaches for his flask and Gabriel brings himself to weakly say, “It’ll kill you, you know.” It is when Jesse answers back, “I know. I just didn’t care before.” Jesse smiles weakly for a moment, looking to his flask again. “You know I’ll need your help.” It is the way they work together to clear their little safe house of alcohol, the way Jesse gives the bottles over to Gabriel easily, unable to bring himself to pour them out. 

 

It is the way they learn to fight together again. The way when Overwatch calls for an assist they are able to answer, to take on groups by themselves. It is the way Jesse makes sure Gabriel checks in with Angela while they’re there, the way Gabriel returns the favour. It is the quiet determination to help Gabe practice his new life steal powers now that Angela has managed to stabilise him at least a little. It is Gabriel’s stubborn refusal to practice on Jesse when they had bounties to hunt instead. 

 

It is the way Jesse learns how to cook, learns how to imbue every meal with a little of his heart and soul so Gabriel can taste it. It’s the way Gabe teaches Jesse some of his Abuela's recipes so they could both eat food that tasted of love. It is the way they don’t sleep together, for it is still too dangerous, but in the waking hours huddle together as if desperate for warmth. It is the little moments of domesticity that they could never have in Blackwatch but have a second chance for now. 

 

It is a home that was not lost. Only displaced for a time. 


End file.
